Friday, November 14, 2008

Living too far from home

I don't know if there is a different word to use for how I feel tonight, but I am pissed! I am just truly frustrated and pissed which has put me very close to depression.
As many of you know, Grannie has an exploratory surgery of her abdomen yesterday, the final thing left to try and understand why she has had like 7 or 8 hospital stays now since May. The surgery took around 5 hours and Dr. Brown explained it to my mom as "quite a mess" once they got in there. Everything overall has been very successful, they ended up taking out 2 feet of intestine that was damaged and had growths which they say were caused by the radiation treatments that she had around 21 years ago. As of an hour ago when Mom left the hospital until this evenings visiting hours, Grannie is stable, has pretty good coloring in her face but she is in a lot of pain which was causing her to cry quite a bit this morning. I am heart broken that I can't be there. I have made a weekend trip home 5 or 6 times now since May just to see her each time she has gotten back out of the hospital. I was just home like 2 weeks ago and I just missed 2 days of work earlier this week because I was sick - I know that I can't miss more work right now when I want to go home for a week at Christmas but this is driving me crazy. I also realize that she is taking quite a few medications and has a morphine drip so a lot of the time she is pretty out of it. I realize all of the logical things but it doesn't stop me in my heart from wanting to be able to jump in my car right now and just drive home.
That's when I start to get pissed that my drive is 7 1/2 hours long. Even by the time I drive home from work, packed the bare minimum and started driving - I wouldn't be home until like 4 a.m. So then I think about leaving tomorrow morning - getting in around 2, and on Sunday start driving back to DC around 1 just to come back to work on Monday. Now after being out sick 2 days this week and all the stress I've been under from the distance of DC I am positive that I would find myself exhausted, miserable and possibly sick again. Planning ahead and going next weekend would be the better option. Leave early on Friday from work, say noon and drive straight home from Rosslyn could be there by 8ish and come back to DC on Sunday......I sit here now at 5:06 pissed that I didn't think about all this last night and do that today. I am even more angry and life has taken me so far away from Jamestown, or that Jamestown has to be so far away from DC - why couldn't I be living in Pittsburgh, I could make the trip tonight with no problem (minus dealing with deer) and not have to leave to come back until like 5 p.m since it would only be a 4 hour trip. yes once again I find myself hating having to live so far from home.
I'm so angry I am brought to tears. I don't know what to do and have no one to talk about it with.........

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