Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Time to be Thankful

Since I'm stuck at work on "Thanksgiving Eve" with very few others who are not already traveling today - I thought I should take a moment to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving now. Jon and I fly out tomorrow morning for Michigan, and I will most likely not be online again until we return to DC on Saturday. I know, whatever will I do with myself with out FB and g-chat in my life right? haha So this is my chance to wish a happy start to their holidays and I hope that everyone has a wonderful day tomorrow with family and friends!
There is no doubt that it was been an extremely hard, stressful, challenging year for me. This does not make me any less thankful for the wonderful things that I do have, still have or have come to me in the last 365 days.
  • I am thankful that I had the strength to walk into Lucky and express my reasoning for knowing that it was time to move on. This was very difficult for me to do, God knows I cried. And although I miss it just about daily, there are many things that I do not miss and many reasons that I have become a better person without the "retail lifestyle". And yes, I do miss more than my discount :-)
  • I am very thankful for finding such a wonderful job. I really do love it here, I have a great boss, great co-workers and have made some great friends in the 7 months since I started. I went through a pretty rough batch of not being thankful for my job in early '08. It was a time where I very much regretted giving up my position at Lucky. I now have a hard time thinking about things being any different than they are now. I love having my weekends off (you could even say I'm thankful for them! hehe).
  • Most of you know how hard it has been for me to have Grannie dealing with so much illness this past year - since February really. I am thankful that her surgery was a success and that they were finally able to pinpoint what the problem had been all this time and fix it. I am so very thankful that after 11 days in the hospital, 3 of them in ICU, she has been moved to Greenhurst rehabilitation facility for a 20 day rehab program! Apparently her insurance will pay for her to be there for 20 days though my mom don't fully foresee her needing that much time there. Obviously she is still weak and healing but my mom said that when she can move around without all the wires and with shoes on, she just takes off. No surprise really considering what a strong willed women she is. I am thankful for her recovery and I look forward to spending our birthdays and the Christmas season together!
  • I am thankful for my friends and family. My parents who put up with me and all my "only child" characteristics that haven't worn off even as I approach my 25th year. They support me in many ways and I wish it was easier to get home more often. To my friends, both old and new - thank you for sticking by me through both the good and bad parts of my year and accepting me for who I am. I know that I am not always the best friend I could be to you. I wish I could say that it will be better in 2009, but I won't make a promise that I'm not sure I can keep. I will try my best though to at least be a better friend. You all are to me, so you deserve at least that much from me in return. I love you all!
  • I am thankful for getting to spend and share another year of my life with Jonathan. Through the good and bad times, we have prevailed. He pushes me to be a better person that I was a month a ago, a year ago, 4 years ago and on. I am thankful that he cares about me enough to see the potential that I don't let myself see. So thank you Jon, it is appreciated more than I always let on. I love you.
Alright, I've decided that this post has become just a little too sappy. I'm done so please stop rolling your eyes at me :-) Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008


I have spent every morning for about the past week now, waiting for mom to call me in the early afternoon with an update on Grannie's status - this of course has become even more important to me since her surgery last Thursday. I always want to know how she is doing and whether it's good, better, the same or worse than the night before. The only pain medication that she has right now is something that she has to give to herself - some little button that I'm assuming it attached to a cord that triggers the release of morphine into her system via iv. She had this in Roswell as well according to my mom, but of course, only being 4 at the time, I don't remember this. It seems that on Friday and Saturday she was trying to use it as much as she could and still in great pain that was bringing her to tears (something that in it's self made me cry upon hearing it). Last night I found out that she is refusing to use it anymore. I know she's still in pain from what my mom has told me and that she is very tired and sleeping a lot but I'm having trouble putting my finger on why she is not giving herself this pain medication - I know that she has always been stubborn about prescription medication (over the summer she wouldn't take a anti-depressant 2x a day that was half the size of a tic tac because she was convinced that she was going to become addicted to them. Part of me also thinks she is being stubborn......
What saddens me the most is knowing that when she is awake when my mom is there (hasn't honestly been too often), she is constantly asking what she ever did to deserve this and why is it happening to her, etc. My mom is responding with telling her how because she has always been so strong and in such good health and active her entire life, that it's a big part of why she is honestly doing very well considering she just had a 5 hour, invasive surgery just 4 1/2 days ago! She was so stable by Saturday that they moved her out of the ICU 2 days earlier then they were expecting after the surgery ended on Thursday early evening. These are truly amazing things considering her age and all that she's been going through since this past February but she doesn't seem to be able to see it.
Grannie is not a very religious person and neither are my mom or I, but Grannie keeps asking why God did this to her. I look at it and I thank God for hearing my prayers and helping her come out of this surgery and recovering at the slow, expected process she is at. No, I do not go to church, but I do pray and I know that God listens to me when I do - I do not believe that I should have to prove this to others every Sunday morning - my relationship is with God, not a congregation. I have prayed each time she has had to go to the ER and been admitted and last Thursday I prayed more than I probably have in years. While watching Season 1 of West Wing over the weekend, I came upon the following quote in an episode and I believe it fits into what Grannie needs to believe during her time of recovery:

You know, you remind me of the man that lived by the river. He heard a radio report that the river was going to rush up and flood the town. And that all the residents should evacuate their homes. But the man said, 'I'm religious. I pray. God loves me. God will save me.' The waters rose up. A guy in a row boat came along and he shouted, 'Hey, hey you! You in there. The town is flooding. Let me take you to safety.' But the man shouted back, 'I'm religious. I pray. God loves me. God will save me.' A helicopter was hovering overhead. And a guy with a megaphone shouted, 'Hey you, you down there. The town is flooding. Let me drop this ladder and I'll take you to safety.' But the man shouted back that he was religious, that he prayed, that God loved him and that God will take him to safety. Well... the man drowned. And standing at the gates of St. Peter, he demanded an audience with God. 'Lord,' he said, 'I'm a religious man, I pray. I thought you loved me. Why did this happen?' God said, 'I sent you a radio report, a helicopter, and a guy in a rowboat. What the hell are you doing here?'

Life was never meant to be easy - life gives you challenges and how you come out of these challenges makes you a strong human being. Grannie had cervical cancer 21 years ago. She has been cancer free ever since, yes she has lymphoma as a result of the surgery but I look back and I am awed at how incredible it is that not only did they get all the cancer but that it never came back in 21 years - think of how much more doctors know about cancer now than they did then and how many people still die every day of cancer or their cancer returns. She has been incredibly blessed in this way.
Now I'm not saying that she has deserved having all that has happened this past year, but I do believe that we all should be incredibly thankful and happy that she is pulling through this.
I want to go home this weekend to see her so that I can let her know how much she is needed, and how blessed I feel that I am that she is still with us. That may should selfish, but I do still need her in my life and she should know this.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Sunday night rituals

Last night as I found myself going through my "Sunday night ritual" I realized, this ritual is what I hate most about Sundays. This is primarily because the Sunday night ritual is all about Monday morning and being prepared for the coming work week - this means the weekend is over and I gotta wait 5 days for the next one. Hence my obvious reason for not enjoying the Sunday night ritual - Monday is upon us all.
These are really stupid little rituals. Things like making sure the kitchen is picked up, on a Saturday night I can look at a sink full of dishes and say, "Oh I'll do those tomorrow morning". I make sure the coffee pot is ready to go with the auto setting on so that the full pot of coffee is awaiting my slow crawl down the stairs the following morning (speaking of, I honestly am amazed that 1. I have not fallen down the stairs getting that first cup of coffee and 2. that I haven't permanently moved the coffee pot upstairs to rid myself of the stairs before caffeine - honestly if I had a full bathroom counter, it would probably be up there, no joke). Around 7:30 I realized that I needed to shower soon if I was going to let my hair dry before going to bed. Night time showers are part of a "winter ritual" that I enjoy because it means that I get to sleep in an extra hour in the mornings and I always feel snuggly and relaxed for bed after an evening shower. Monday-Thursday these showers go as quickly as possible so that I can either make dinner, clean up the mess from dinner or still have some enjoyable evening time left after the shower. On Sunday's it sorta becomes "grooming night". Nothing really hi-tech, but last night as I was pouting about the weekend being over, I just wanted to get my shower over and done with. I looked in the mirror and realized that my eyebrows were outta control - I signed in annoyance because I hate plucking them. I realized though after a relaxing weekend around the apt. in sweats that involved, cleaning, organizing, laundry and general relaxation to the tune of season 1 of West Wing that if I showed up to work saying I did nothing all weekend, looking a hot mess (due to unruly eyebrows), I would find myself embarrassed by this. So I plucked, I took my shower, shaved and put the good cream on my face. This grooming usually is more advanced in terms of a face mask, painting my toes/finger nails, etc. but last night as I plucked I came to the realization of these Sunday night rituals and became so depressed by this fact that I had no desire.
It's funny how as my 25th birthday is quickly approaching (1 month away tomorrow) I find myself more and more obsessed with how I'm going to look for turning 25. Things like weight, my complexion and hair (cut/color) have been so important that I don't enjoy them being so important to me. I was looking through old pictures last night as part of my weekend organization project and I saw pictures from 4 years ago when Jon and I first started dating, my 21st birthday, our first year in DC and I feel that I look old now - I don't enjoy that, I want to look as I did then. I realized around 2 years ago as Jon turned 25 and that meant I soon would as well that I would not going to age well. I know that age is just a number, but when the number has bags under her eyes and awful hair, I have a problem with it. I am consumed with doing all that I can to look amazing by Dec. 18th.......maybe I should do before and after shots, these are either going to make me really happy or really sad.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Living too far from home

I don't know if there is a different word to use for how I feel tonight, but I am pissed! I am just truly frustrated and pissed which has put me very close to depression.
As many of you know, Grannie has an exploratory surgery of her abdomen yesterday, the final thing left to try and understand why she has had like 7 or 8 hospital stays now since May. The surgery took around 5 hours and Dr. Brown explained it to my mom as "quite a mess" once they got in there. Everything overall has been very successful, they ended up taking out 2 feet of intestine that was damaged and had growths which they say were caused by the radiation treatments that she had around 21 years ago. As of an hour ago when Mom left the hospital until this evenings visiting hours, Grannie is stable, has pretty good coloring in her face but she is in a lot of pain which was causing her to cry quite a bit this morning. I am heart broken that I can't be there. I have made a weekend trip home 5 or 6 times now since May just to see her each time she has gotten back out of the hospital. I was just home like 2 weeks ago and I just missed 2 days of work earlier this week because I was sick - I know that I can't miss more work right now when I want to go home for a week at Christmas but this is driving me crazy. I also realize that she is taking quite a few medications and has a morphine drip so a lot of the time she is pretty out of it. I realize all of the logical things but it doesn't stop me in my heart from wanting to be able to jump in my car right now and just drive home.
That's when I start to get pissed that my drive is 7 1/2 hours long. Even by the time I drive home from work, packed the bare minimum and started driving - I wouldn't be home until like 4 a.m. So then I think about leaving tomorrow morning - getting in around 2, and on Sunday start driving back to DC around 1 just to come back to work on Monday. Now after being out sick 2 days this week and all the stress I've been under from the distance of DC I am positive that I would find myself exhausted, miserable and possibly sick again. Planning ahead and going next weekend would be the better option. Leave early on Friday from work, say noon and drive straight home from Rosslyn could be there by 8ish and come back to DC on Sunday......I sit here now at 5:06 pissed that I didn't think about all this last night and do that today. I am even more angry and life has taken me so far away from Jamestown, or that Jamestown has to be so far away from DC - why couldn't I be living in Pittsburgh, I could make the trip tonight with no problem (minus dealing with deer) and not have to leave to come back until like 5 p.m since it would only be a 4 hour trip. yes once again I find myself hating having to live so far from home.
I'm so angry I am brought to tears. I don't know what to do and have no one to talk about it with.........

Monday, November 10, 2008

A good pick-me-up on a Monday afternoon

Now, I'm sure everyone saw this initial site like 3 weeks ago and thought it was funny. But now, now it is something to share!
We can only pray that it will be NEVER and I'm quite terrified of the fight we'll have on our hands in 4 years, but for now we can laugh at what a jackass she truly is and maybe if we pass this around to enough people, all those who "love" her and start to realize what I know I have seen since August! The questions she was asked were fair, she was just unable to answer them!

I'm not sure that I have much more to say today except to share what is posted above.
My weekend was quite nice - Jon seems to finally be close to a normal US sleep schedule after a week back in the States.
*Highlight of my weekend: Jon made me breakfast in bed and coffee yesterday morning!!! <3 Oh how my heart fills! Yes it's nothing expensive or that fancy, but it was wonderful!
He also gave me his sore throat - I can only hope that he takes better care of me than I did to him! I wasn't the nicest, caring girlfriend last week due to my own lack of sleep, yes I do realize this Jonathan!

Oh it has also been confirmed by my boss that I lose my sense of humor when I'm sick. I don't believe he likes me when I'm not funny because about an hour ago he came to this conclusion that the only time I'm not funny is when I'm sick so I should just go home......interesting.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

The holidays come earlier and earlier each year

So we all know how much I love this time of year, especially Christmas time. Obviously with my birthday so close to Christmas (exactly 1 week before), I have always had an excitement and feeling of festiveness when it came to the month of December. Each year you notice Christmas decorations out earlier and earlier each year, most recently as early as mid-October. And everyone always says how crazy it is to see so much Christmas stuff while the Halloween things are still on the shelves - and of course we haven't even starting thinking about Thanksgiving yet but mid-October, but retailers expect us to be buying our Christmas cards and decorations! There used to be a time when you didn't think of Christmas presents, music or decorations until Black Friday - that big day when it was all about the countdown to Christmas. This year, I started getting emails from my favorite retailers about Christmas deals on the day after Halloween, Starbucks already has their Christmas cups fully stocked and I've already found myself forced into buying this years Christmas cards (cause I have a feeling that if I had waited until after Thanksgiving, they would be sold out!) I honestly haven't even come up with what I want to get some of the special people in my life yet, which makes me feel like I will miss all deals or stock in general with the way it's all trending earlier and earlier each year.
I haven't heard a whole lot of Christmas music in public places yet - actually on 101.1 this morning they had some ridiculous song on that was sorta about Christmas and someone in the station asked if they were already playing Christmas music, no one responded. Back in my days at Lucky, we were of course planning for the Holidays by mid-October which things definitely hitting the store before Thanksgiving but the Holiday CD that would come in the mail in early November, was NOT to be placed in the DMX player until Black Friday! Of course we only played about 25% Holiday music in with the standard songs, but still NOT UNTIL BLACK FRIDAY! :-)
I of course, LOVE Christmas music - usually mid summer every year I feel a need to have a little "Christmas in July" week where I will pull up a playlist of Christmas music on my iPod. I would do this at work this year and just be thoroughly happy to be listening to my favorite music, and just wondering what the heck everyone would think if they really knew what music was pumping into my ears! hehe This year, I feel that this need and desire has spread to my friends if I am to go my Facebook statuses (which of course I do, because at least one day a week I spend about of my day Facebook stalking friends). I think it's fantastic of course, cause now I'm not the only one, but it definitely showcases how the Christmas season is spreading and lasting longer each year.
Jon was ready to decorate the townhouse last weekend - which I blame on the time difference after returning from China. He settled for me putting away the Halloween decorations and using listening to Christmas music around the house and renting Christmas with the Kranks on iTunes for our Saturday night movie. Great movie by the way, we need to buy that one this year, cause it's getting pricey to rent each year.
The last thing that I shall ramble on about with Christmas for today is how relief and excited of the first time in 5 years that I do not work in the restaurant or retail business. This means there is no fighting over getting time off to spend with my family. Jon and I discussed dates, I told Conrad and it was a done deal - I guess now I should probably tell the fam, huh? So I get the full week at home for Christmas, starting just 2 days after my 25th birthday (woah!) but for the first time in 4 years, I get to leave DC on Thanksgiving which is HUGE! 3 of these years mom was able to come spend Thanksgiving with me and then the 1 year Nick graciously invited me to spend Thanksgiving with him and his family an Annapolis. I will be traveling with Jon to Ann Arbor, Michigan this year, so I won't get to see my family per say, but spending Thanksgiving with Jon and meeting the Michigan side of the family sounds like a great thing to me!

Of subject, for those of you who knew that Grannie went back to the ER on Monday, probably were not informed of her having to go back on Monday night and be admitted once again. Mom and I are hoping that she is going home to 249 today, but I probably won't know more about it until early this evening. I pray that something could be done to stop her from having to go through this process each time, I pray that she doesn't end up there again because the drs. have said they will take her straight to surgery next time. This may sound like the better plan to some of you, but past surgeries are what's causing this so technically it could happen all over again and secondly, surgery on some who is almost 85 is scary in it's own right, no matter how strong she may be. Mom said last night that she looked the best that she's looked in a long time, which I was happy to hear. I am positive that her getting home soon with make us all happy!

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Barack Obama Elected President

What a historic night! Barack Obama is the projected President. I don't know if there is a way to express how amazing it has been since last night to be in DC for this historic election.
Starting yesterday around 4:30, I realized how excited I was for today, I realized that I felt like I was 8 years old again and that it was Christmas Eve. There has been an electricity in the air all day today and I've sat here since 7 p.m. watching as each set of polls closed and CNN discussed at 1% where both stood, at 0% a projected win and we all sat here and watched Obama's numbers climb. Working in Virgina, living so close to Virgina I was looking forward to seeing this swing for the first time in 44 years, and it happened at 11 p.m. as they called this election for Barack Obama. We all raised our glasses (or beer bottles) to cheer to Obama and it was stated "we will never forget this moment" and I can guarantee that I will never forget this!

I talk of the vibe you felt in DC these last 2 days, so we open my door and you can hear the people from blocks away screaming and cheering. Naturally we all start screaming and start creating our own upset of shouting, screaming and cheering and it was incredible. A once in a lifetime opportunity to be here with friends and experience something so amazing.

I now sit here at 11:19, listening to McCain's speak. Of course I am BEYOND excited to know that I'm seeing his, Cindy McCain, Sarah and Todd Palin's face is over. I get angry right now as McCain speaks gracefully about calling Obama to congratulate him and the republicans stand there and BOO! Democrats would never do something so disgraceful. I look forward to never hearing the words "my friends" and "maverick" from John McCain or Sarah Palin's lips.

I sit here now waiting for Obama's speech. We all know how amazing his speeches have been in the past - I can't wait. There seems to be a theatrical pause as we all wait to here from Obama, I will have to post more on my feelings on the speech later, or tomorrow morning :-)

The campaign is over, the mud slinging between the 2 parties is over, there will be do upset and recounting like the last 2 elections have brought us. It's a happy ending for all of us who knew where the true CHANGE would come from. I think of Obama's grandmother, looking down upon him tonight and I am saddened that she did not live to see this amazing, historic moment. She was surely so proud of him. And of course, I think of our beloved Fernando that we lost today. Fernando would talk of how great seeing this happen would be and Fernando I hope that you know that you were with us tonight and I wish that you had been here to watch this part of our history, I have no doubt you have looked down upon us tonight, Budweisers in hand :-) I will miss your smiling face in the lobby each night.

Night ya'll - RIP Fernando <3>