I have spent every morning for about the past week now, waiting for mom to call me in the early afternoon with an update on Grannie's status - this of course has become even more important to me since her surgery last Thursday. I always want to know how she is doing and whether it's good, better, the same or worse than the night before. The only pain medication that she has right now is something that she has to give to herself - some little button that I'm assuming it attached to a cord that triggers the release of morphine into her system via iv. She had this in Roswell as well according to my mom, but of course, only being 4 at the time, I don't remember this. It seems that on Friday and Saturday she was trying to use it as much as she could and still in great pain that was bringing her to tears (something that in it's self made me cry upon hearing it). Last night I found out that she is refusing to use it anymore. I know she's still in pain from what my mom has told me and that she is very tired and sleeping a lot but I'm having trouble putting my finger on why she is not giving herself this pain medication - I know that she has always been stubborn about prescription medication (over the summer she wouldn't take a anti-depressant 2x a day that was half the size of a tic tac because she was convinced that she was going to become addicted to them. Part of me also thinks she is being stubborn......
What saddens me the most is knowing that when she is awake when my mom is there (hasn't honestly been too often), she is constantly asking what she ever did to deserve this and why is it happening to her, etc. My mom is responding with telling her how because she has always been so strong and in such good health and active her entire life, that it's a big part of why she is honestly doing very well considering she just had a 5 hour, invasive surgery just 4 1/2 days ago! She was so stable by Saturday that they moved her out of the ICU 2 days earlier then they were expecting after the surgery ended on Thursday early evening. These are truly amazing things considering her age and all that she's been going through since this past February but she doesn't seem to be able to see it.
Grannie is not a very religious person and neither are my mom or I, but Grannie keeps asking why God did this to her. I look at it and I thank God for hearing my prayers and helping her come out of this surgery and recovering at the slow, expected process she is at. No, I do not go to church, but I do pray and I know that God listens to me when I do - I do not believe that I should have to prove this to others every Sunday morning - my relationship is with God, not a congregation. I have prayed each time she has had to go to the ER and been admitted and last Thursday I prayed more than I probably have in years. While watching Season 1 of West Wing over the weekend, I came upon the following quote in an episode and I believe it fits into what Grannie needs to believe during her time of recovery:
You know, you remind me of the man that lived by the river. He heard a radio report that the river was going to rush up and flood the town. And that all the residents should evacuate their homes. But the man said, 'I'm religious. I pray. God loves me. God will save me.' The waters rose up. A guy in a row boat came along and he shouted, 'Hey, hey you! You in there. The town is flooding. Let me take you to safety.' But the man shouted back, 'I'm religious. I pray. God loves me. God will save me.' A helicopter was hovering overhead. And a guy with a megaphone shouted, 'Hey you, you down there. The town is flooding. Let me drop this ladder and I'll take you to safety.' But the man shouted back that he was religious, that he prayed, that God loved him and that God will take him to safety. Well... the man drowned. And standing at the gates of St. Peter, he demanded an audience with God. 'Lord,' he said, 'I'm a religious man, I pray. I thought you loved me. Why did this happen?' God said, 'I sent you a radio report, a helicopter, and a guy in a rowboat. What the hell are you doing here?'
Life was never meant to be easy - life gives you challenges and how you come out of these challenges makes you a strong human being. Grannie had cervical cancer 21 years ago. She has been cancer free ever since, yes she has lymphoma as a result of the surgery but I look back and I am awed at how incredible it is that not only did they get all the cancer but that it never came back in 21 years - think of how much more doctors know about cancer now than they did then and how many people still die every day of cancer or their cancer returns. She has been incredibly blessed in this way.
Now I'm not saying that she has deserved having all that has happened this past year, but I do believe that we all should be incredibly thankful and happy that she is pulling through this.
I want to go home this weekend to see her so that I can let her know how much she is needed, and how blessed I feel that I am that she is still with us. That may should selfish, but I do still need her in my life and she should know this.
What saddens me the most is knowing that when she is awake when my mom is there (hasn't honestly been too often), she is constantly asking what she ever did to deserve this and why is it happening to her, etc. My mom is responding with telling her how because she has always been so strong and in such good health and active her entire life, that it's a big part of why she is honestly doing very well considering she just had a 5 hour, invasive surgery just 4 1/2 days ago! She was so stable by Saturday that they moved her out of the ICU 2 days earlier then they were expecting after the surgery ended on Thursday early evening. These are truly amazing things considering her age and all that she's been going through since this past February but she doesn't seem to be able to see it.
Grannie is not a very religious person and neither are my mom or I, but Grannie keeps asking why God did this to her. I look at it and I thank God for hearing my prayers and helping her come out of this surgery and recovering at the slow, expected process she is at. No, I do not go to church, but I do pray and I know that God listens to me when I do - I do not believe that I should have to prove this to others every Sunday morning - my relationship is with God, not a congregation. I have prayed each time she has had to go to the ER and been admitted and last Thursday I prayed more than I probably have in years. While watching Season 1 of West Wing over the weekend, I came upon the following quote in an episode and I believe it fits into what Grannie needs to believe during her time of recovery:
You know, you remind me of the man that lived by the river. He heard a radio report that the river was going to rush up and flood the town. And that all the residents should evacuate their homes. But the man said, 'I'm religious. I pray. God loves me. God will save me.' The waters rose up. A guy in a row boat came along and he shouted, 'Hey, hey you! You in there. The town is flooding. Let me take you to safety.' But the man shouted back, 'I'm religious. I pray. God loves me. God will save me.' A helicopter was hovering overhead. And a guy with a megaphone shouted, 'Hey you, you down there. The town is flooding. Let me drop this ladder and I'll take you to safety.' But the man shouted back that he was religious, that he prayed, that God loved him and that God will take him to safety. Well... the man drowned. And standing at the gates of St. Peter, he demanded an audience with God. 'Lord,' he said, 'I'm a religious man, I pray. I thought you loved me. Why did this happen?' God said, 'I sent you a radio report, a helicopter, and a guy in a rowboat. What the hell are you doing here?'
Life was never meant to be easy - life gives you challenges and how you come out of these challenges makes you a strong human being. Grannie had cervical cancer 21 years ago. She has been cancer free ever since, yes she has lymphoma as a result of the surgery but I look back and I am awed at how incredible it is that not only did they get all the cancer but that it never came back in 21 years - think of how much more doctors know about cancer now than they did then and how many people still die every day of cancer or their cancer returns. She has been incredibly blessed in this way.
Now I'm not saying that she has deserved having all that has happened this past year, but I do believe that we all should be incredibly thankful and happy that she is pulling through this.
I want to go home this weekend to see her so that I can let her know how much she is needed, and how blessed I feel that I am that she is still with us. That may should selfish, but I do still need her in my life and she should know this.
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