Trying to get back in the swing of things

So it's only taken me 6 months, but I'm trying to get myself back into the swing of blogging! As I have explained to some, it seems that once I stopped, I really didn't think about it anymore. Back in my CEB days, I would find myself each morning hearing something on the news or just simply thinking of something that I wished to share.

After the layoffs happened, I found myself on a couple of occasions wanting to get on here and write about how I was feeling during that time, but each time found myself realizing that I should be spending that time on the computer sprucing up the resume, looking for jobs and sending in my resume to interesting places. This led to 4 months of being unemployed when I didn't write, and now almost an entire 2 more months of me working that I didn't take the time to start again.

Last time, I finally put down the crocheting, got my laptop and starting playing around with a new summertime, "beachy" layout (hope you like it!) in hopes that it would leave me more motivated to write.

I think I really got my motivation from reading friends blogs and realizing that I wanted make in on it! haha

Guess that's all for now, hopefully I'll have an insightful moment tomorrow

Inauguration of President Barack Obama

I am still healing from the cold weather that we endured.  The day started at 3 a.m. when we got up to shower and layered into as much clothing as possible to be out the door and at the OC by 5:30 a.m.

Here is the moon at 5:15 a.m. from Calvert St. bridge.  

Once we arrived at OC, we got coffee and bagels and waited for the rest of our group to arrive.  Once we were all good to go with coffee, etc. we thought we would take a chance with the metro since we were right at Woodley Park stop.  We got down in the station and there weren't a whole lot of people around yet (this was pretty surprising since I saw on the 5:00 news that there  was already a line just trying to get close to the Shady Grove station and they were already letting people onto the Mall (mostly because people had slept there overnight, even though it had been said that wouldn't be allowed)).  A train came fairly quickly and it was just PACKED!  I was pretty convinced at this point that we were all going to have to walk to Union Station, around the East side of the Capitol, and then over to the South side of the festivities.  We had scheduled ourselves enough time to do this, but we've all had like 3-4 hours of sleep so no one is looking forward to this!  We decided (ok Mike thought it was a good idea) to wait the 4 minutes for the next train first and if that one was just as packed, we would start walking.  Well thank goodness we waited cause 4 minutes later, along comes a train with barely any people in it!  We metro'd to Union Station where we started on our walk Southeast around the Capitol to 1st and C St. SE.  It was now only ~6:30 a.m. [since the Metro had worked out so nicely].  The crowds were already crazy and we decided it would be best to part ways (sorry Em!) and get in line for security at the Blue Gate.  We emailed the rest of our group and headed down where we needed to be.  We stood in line from 7:00-8:00, security opened up around 8:10, and by 10:00 a.m. we were fully through security (FINALLY) and walking to Blue West!

Definitely a HALLELUJAH! moment to walk under that gate!

The crowds still waiting to get through the Blue gate.  Most likely they did not.  There were thousands of people who never got through in time.

Jon and I - freezing but waiting for everything to begin!  You went from line to line, and crowd to crowd; waiting for one thing, then waiting for the next.  Jon  was sleepy from his jet lag and all he kept complaining about was how if he was watching on TV he could be having Pizza and beer (this started around 8 a.m.).  He then moved on to talking about wanting a big bucket of fried chicken.  Seriously he talked about so much that I am still craving pizza and fried chicken!

This is the best picture of the millions on the Mall on Tuesday - truly amazing to know that so many people were there for this historic occasion!

This one is curtiusy of the Jamestown Post-Journal!  Only picture I've found showing the crowds from the Lincoln Memorial to the Capitol!

This is what I could see from behind where we stood at Blue West

Snipers everywhere - it kinda made you feel safe and uneasy at the same time....

Obama taking the Oath to be the 44th President of the United States!

Obama's first speech as Commander-in-Chief

To give you an idea of how close we were I took the last two pictures of Obama's Oath and Speech with nothing more than the standard zoom on my camera.  He was only about 1" tall, but it was really cool to not need a jumbo-tron to see him!

These next 2 shots are from Emily - they were so great that I wanted to share!

This is from the podium where Obama was sworn in.

Actually standing at the podium where Obama stood early that morning.  This is what he was looking out on, minus the estimated 2 million people!

After Obama finished his speech, we started to make our way out of crowd and back toward the House office buildings so we could warm up (there was hot cocoa waiting!!)  After security at Rayburn told us that Longworth was our best bet - we continued slowly walking up the hill - SLOW was the only speed any of us could walk.  We passed line after line of people/crowds waiting to get indoors until we got to an entrance at Canon where only about 5 people were waiting in line to get in.  We got in line and had no problems getting in (vs. the first 2 buildings that we tried that didn't even have their doors open yet!)  It was wonderful to be indoors with heating, sit down, and have hot cocoa with snacks like powdered donuts and double stuffed Oreos!

By 2:30 we thought maybe the crowds at the Capitol South Metro stop would have died down a little so that we could get on the metro... yea right!  Please see photo below:

So once again we started to walk East of the Capitol back to Union Station, which was just as disastrous.  I gotta say at this point, it was unanimous that we could no longer handle standing still in a large crowd waiting to get through some line!  We were all freezing, and exhausted, and had just had it!  So we started walking up Mass Ave.  We walked and we walked and we walked some more.  We finally got to where the roads were open again and started making attempts to get a cab to our respective neighborhoods........most cabs were occupied so we kept walking.  Somewhere after Thomas Circle, I had given up hope of us finding a cab and had accepted the fact that we would be walking the entire way home (1.5-2 miles still left to home).  We finally got a cab (2nd big HALLELUJAH! moment of the day) which we piled into.  We were back in TH7 around 4:30, very quickly changed out of all the winter layers, threw on sweats, turned the heat on high, and got under as many blankets as I could find to spend the rest of the evening watching West Wing.  

I am so happy I went.  It doesn't seem that big a deal when I just think back on going.  Then I look at the pictures above again and I see the pictures of Obama standing there and I have this "holy crap" moment where I remember that I witnessed this amazing piece of America's history, LIVE!  It was very cold, a very long day and I was pretty sore the next day, but I honestly would totally go again!  The girls would mention this and of course the boys responded with an enthusiastic "HELL NO!" :-P

Here is my list of tips and suggestions for you if you ever find yourself attention a Presidential Inauguration   And if I ever make it back to one, I hope I remember to look these up!

1. Buy hand and feet warmers in advance, they will charge you and arm and a leg to buy them there.  It's a given that they're not going to last a full 7 or 8 hours, but they will last for a short time and they will be TOTALLY worth it 
2. You're not allowed to bring a flask or thermos through security.  But, you could buy a cheap-o thermos to keep you warm while waiting in line to get through security.  They had trash disposal set up before you went through security so as long as it's nothing you care about, you can just pitch it.  
3. On that note, BRING SNACK FOOD!  It's a really long day and it's going to be late afternoon before you actually get to eat again (there are no restaurants really around the Mall or House offices buildings without having to walk a ways).  Just a zip-top bag with a few things like granola bars or crackers that you can fit in a coat pocket.
4. Crochet yourself a nice, WARM hot/scarf/mittens set.  You'll.need.it.
5. You're leaving home at like 5:30 a.m., and it doesn't really cross your mind to grab your sunglasses, but do it!  It's almost like seeing the light of day for the first time ever if the sun comes out and you're unprepared.

***This post has been revised***

DC Cockroaches

After living at the Strat for 2 years while in college in NYC, I saw my fair share of what I thought were cockroaches.  I would sign up at the front desk each with for my room to be exterminated and I had my can of Raid which I would use when I saw one of these little critters running up my wall/across the floor.  Since they were only about the size of a horse fly, they dropped dead fairly quickly.  You can imagine my surprise at the first DC cockroach that I saw over Thanksgiving weekend......................they are "water bugs" and about 2 inches long!  If you are sitting there doing your math, you will realize that I moved to DC almost 4 years ago (it'll officially be 4 years on Wednesday of next week).  Most of you know, if not all, that Jon and I are now living in our 3rd apartment at the Promenade - we have been there since the end of June.  I had many problems with mice in 614, but I have NEVER seen these cockroaches in 419, 614 or during the first 4 1/2 months in TH 7.  I'm still asking why now??  I don't' have an answer because what I thought, apparently was completely wrong after the last 2 evenings that I have come home from work.  How the last 2 1/2 months have panned out:

• Sunday after Thanksgiving I see my first DC cockroach around 6:30 a.m.  I screamed so loudly for Jonathan, that I believe he thought I was dying, and my neighbors probably did too.  About 4 hours later, Jonathan goes to get a snack out of the pantry, opens a bag of Goldfish and while pulling his hand out of the bag, a cockroach runs up his arm, jumps and runs under the refrigerator where we never find him.  Of course, he screams so loudly that I think he'd either burnt himself or cut a finger off with a knife.  At this point Jonathan informs me that he actually saw a roach in the kitchen the Wednesday before Thanksgiving but disposed of it without telling me about it.  His reasoning was that we've never seem them before and he didn't want me to freak out - completely understandable and completely true!
• We signed up that weekend to have them come and exterminate that Thursday - selectively choosing where I would allow them to spray due to stories I have heard from my neighbors who had to mop up puddles of poison from their bathroom and kitchen floors after they came and exterminated.  Needless to say, something that kills what is deemed IMPOSSIBLE to kill (think nuclear holocaust and the cockroaches would survive) and yet this spray will kill them I don't need to be breathing that in, it can't be good for my own health.
• After that initial spraying by our front door, we only had the occasional half dead cockroach that would appear and Jon would get it out of the apartment.  I bet a month went buy where we didn't see anything, we went home for the holidays and came back to no critters, I was thinking it was over - I was most definitely wrong.
• Last Wednesday I got up around 6:40, made it safely down the stairs to the kitchen to get my first cup of coffee and climbed back up the stairs to start getting ready for work.  As I walk through my bedroom, I turn the light on to the closet and there sits a LIVE cockroach between the bathroom and closet.  I screamed, loudly, yelled for Jonathan (poor boy did not need that kind of wake up call so early in the morning).  After chasing it down through the closet, Jonathan finally caught and kill it.  At this point I am terrified of having to stay in the apartment by myself while Jonathan is in China.  I don't know what I will do, these things are so damn big I don't feel like I can handle having to kill them.  At a co-workers suggestion, we went out to Target on Wednesday after work and we bought some Combat roach motels to put around the apartment.  I knew that any bugs wouldn't disappear into one of these, but they would/could at least eat the poison and by the time I found the roach it would be primarily dead and it would be easier to get out of my place.
• By now, I am starting to notice that I seem to always find a new "friend" on days where the weather was a little bit warmer or it was raining/was going to rain that day.  At first this still didn't make sense to me since we had no problems during the summer, but maybe my building exterminated more in public areas during the summer months?  Not really sure.
• Mom came down to visit last weekend and we had experiences of having to kill 2 cockroaches in my kitchen on Saturday.  I saw "we", but I mean she did.  One that she thought was half dead and kinda "woke up" scaring her, but he was flushed and a 2nd on Saturday night that while I was standing in my kitchen, I happened to look up and see him IN  the ceiling light!  I was perfectly happy leaving him there (though I knew deep down that if he got in, he could get back out and this now meant he had crawled up my walls)  Apparently while I was upstairs taking a shower, my mom noticed that the roach had crawled from one side of the light to the other, so for some reason she decided to "tap" on the light and being the piece of shit that was installed into this apartment, the entire thing, cockroach included came crashing down.  It ran into my pantry, where my  mom tracked it down, killed and flushed it.  
• I sooooooooooooooo did not want my mom to leave on Sunday, but my confidence was gaining when we saw nothing on Sunday.  I want to go back to my rain/warmer weather story because it was warmer and rainy on Saturday, sunny and freezing on Sunday.  As weather reports came out for all this extra cold weather we were expecting, I figured I was going to be fine until Jon got home on Sunday - I was fairly wrong.
• Monday and Tuesday were fine.  I was so happy.  I thought the cold weather was keeping everything away until Jon returned.  Wednesday night I came home, pushed the door open while still standing outside and started my search.  I spotted a half dead roach up against the wall in the corner.  I tried to keep my cool, set down my purse, etc., grabbed one of Jonathan's sandals that was sitting there and threw it on the roach.  It didn't really move so I assumed it was dead, from the Combat things, but for good measure, I still readjusted the sandal on top if it and proceeded to stand on top of Jon's shoe for optimal killing pressure.  I had every intention of going back downstairs after I changed out of my work clothes/checked the rest of the apartment for 'squatters', but I freaked and left the roach there.  I spoke with Jonathan while he was in line for the ticket counter at the Beijing airport around 9:30 p.m. DC time and I told him about it.  He asked where it was and I told him it was under his shoe!  He laughed and just asked that I left him know what shoes have bugs under them when he gets home so he could get rid of them............it was like a game now, I had 3 shoes left downstairs so as long as no more than 3 more showed up before Sunday afternoon, I was good.  Again, I was wrong.
• Yesterday, I got home from my therapy and sat down to watch the news about the plane in NYC.  I finally decided to go change out of my work clothes before getting something together for dinner.  I went upstairs, checked the floors and turned on some extra lights - everything seemed fine.  I took off my jewelry and shoes and just as I'm started to change out of my dress pants, I look down and there's a roach on the lid of a shoe box looking at me.  I go into the bedroom, pull my pants back on and feeling completely violated by this little fucker, I go downstairs to get my roach spray and pick up one of Jonathan's sneakers on my way up (they're bigger than my shoes, lets me be a little further away from the bug!)  The details of all I had to do to kill this and flush are too lengthy to type but needless to say it involved about half a can of roach spray which I can still smell in my carpet this morning, 2 ruined shoe boxes, about half a roll of paper towels, me banging Jonathan's sneaker on every and anything when it started to run and then using the shoe like a golf club to smack 2 boxes together and me jumping around and screaming resulting in an elevated blood pressure that could have sent me to the emergency room.

I really don't feel like I can handle this anymore.  I LOVE our townhouse, it took as so long to have the extra space and it really is nice, but I no longer want to live there.  I desperately want Jonathan home, not just because I miss him, but because I don't feel like I can handle the stress of this much longer.  I can't believe I have 2 more nights plus all day tomorrow to face it along.  I should be excited for the 4 day weekend and a relaxing day of time for myself, but I'm not looking forward to it, I'm terrified and wish I had somewhere to go or it was warm outside and I wouldn't be in the apartment at all!

It infuriates me to feel this way.  Yes I miss Jonathan when he is out of town.  It's very hard with a 13 hour time difference but I don't really mind being home alone.  I'm not scared, I can take care of myself, at least I used to be able to.  Now the cockroaches have taken over my life and I'm terrified to have to be home alone.  I want to move, and we're stuck there until the end of June.........it'll be an interesting 6 months.

Returning for 2009

Wow, it's been awhile since I've gotten on here to write something.  I've gotten on to read friend's blogs, I've updated my layout both for Christmas and once again, but never took the time to type something up.  Seems like today is just as good a day as any (that and I am desperate for something to keep me from staring into space while I eat my salad at my desk!)

First of all, I want to share the following joke with you.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The blonde replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

:-)  I think this is pretty fantastic!  A shout out to Kelly for posting on Facebook - this definitely put a smile on my face!

Things that have been going on since I last posted anything:

1. Had a wonderful 25th birthday.  Jonathan took me out for the most amazing dinner I've ever had in my life at CityZen - the day was perfect, thanks to him!
2. Jon and I made it home safely for Christmas after getting the Kia fixed in DC (on my birthday).  Christmas was busier than ever this year - with Mom working everyday up until Christmas Eve and Grannie having just been home from Greenhurst for about 2 weeks at the time, this pretty much left all preparations for Christmas Eve up to me.  I went over every day and helped Grannie get out dishes, plate food for the buffet table, dust and vacuum the downstairs and shovel her driveway.  By the 26th I was exhausted and I did nothing for the next 2 days.  Of course, as many of you know, it turned out that my fix to the Kia in DC was not fully appropriate and I had been burning and leaking oil pretty badly for the entire drive home from DC and throughout Jamestown.  The leak was coming from the front of my engine and getting this fixed last minute, quickly was not an option.  Instead of driving home on the Sunday after Christmas, we had to wait until New Years Eve Day.  I worked from home on Monday and Tuesday and Jon went into the Jamestown office, and after 2 days stuck at home, I was ready to get back to DC, even if it meant that I had to drive in snow for almost 300 miles.  New Years Eve was also fun, we hung out with some friends and made some new ones as well, ringing in 2009 which is the year that I want to be the best!  I didn't make any resolutions this year, I feel like I never keep up on them anyway.  I just want to have an amazing year - more of  wish than a resolution but 2008 was rocking, rough, challenging and straight up hard for me to deal with, so I am ready for something great!
3. Black Ice is NOT my friend.  Last Thursday I slipped on black ice on the pool deck when leaving for work, went down pretty hard on my left hip and continued falling until I cracked my head pretty hard on the corner of a concrete wall.  I made it to work after going back in the TH to tell Jonathan what had happened, cried some, took some Excedrin and ate a banana.  After getting in my car and out of the garage, I wasn't convinced that I could drive to work, so I went around the block like 3 times while talking to my mom trying to decide if getting on Rock Creek was the best idea.  Well, if all that hadn't happened, I would have been mad on time for work cause I was still only about 15 minutes late and I ended up staying all day.  The bump on my head was the size of a grapefruit and my hip was killing me but I got in an honest days work.  Friday morning I got up early to get Jon off on his trip and I could barely walk.  After dropping Jon off, I got myself laid up on my couch with my laptop and worked from home all day w/o ever really getting up.  I hurt, and I hurt bad.  I was going to try and see my chiropractor, but the muscles in my back were so tender that I could barely touch them - not the best time to have a chiro/PT therapist work on my back.
4. The snow finally stopped falling to heavily in Jamestown by 9:30ish on Friday morning and Mom was able to load up her car and start the drive to DC for the weekend.  She got in around 6:30 and we had a wonderful, relaxing weekend.  We never left the apartment and on Sunday and I didn't even take off my pjs until like 7 when I decided to take a bath.  We spent hours working on cookbook organization, typing and printing recipes and it was great!  Mom left on Monday, last night was very lonely all my my self.
5. Jon has been in China since, well he left DC on Friday morning so he got into China on Saturday night, Beijing time.  I miss him lots, it's very hard with a 13 hour time difference to get and talk with the person you are used to waking up to every morning.  We do talk for about 2 minutes every night (morning for him) and he will be back on Saturday, which I am impatiently waiting for.
6. The inauguration is just 1 week away - crazy.  Seems like it was just yesterday that Obama had won and now here were are at this amazing day where he takes office, well almost.  Our offices in DC are closed due to all bridges in and out of VA will be closed, so with MLK day on Monday, we're talking about a 4 day weekend baby!  No travel, just my boy coming home, sooooooooooooo excited!

I guess there's nothing else new, expect for that fact that I should get back to work!  I miss the days where every morning while I showered and got ready for work I would think of this amazing topic that I wanted to blog about - doesn't happen anymore, maybe I'm always late and racing or just have too many other things on my mind.....hmmmm

Miss him so much!

How about that Weather!?!

So I know I haven't blogged in awhile, things at work and getting ready for the holidays have been crazy, obviously. Ran across this while Facebook stalking while having my morning coffee and felt that it should be shared for one and all to truly enjoy what winter weather truly is :-)

60 above zero:
Floridians turn on the heat.
People in Jamestown plant gardens.

50 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Falconer sunbathe.

40 above zero:
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Frewsburg drive with the windows down.

32 above zero:
Distilled water freezes.
The water in Bemus gets thicker.

20 above zero:
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in Cassadaga throw on a flannel shirt.

15 above zero:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Gerry have the last cookout before it gets cold.

Zero:
People in Miami all die.
Fredonians close the windows.

10 below zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico .
People in Jamestown get out their winter coats.

25 below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Randolph are selling cookies door to door.

40 below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in Cherry Creek let the dogs sleep indoors.

100 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Silver Creek gets upset because they can't start the Mini-Van.

460 below zero:
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale.)
People in Ellington start saying..."Cold 'nuff fer ya?"

500 below zero:
Hell freezes over
Jamestown public schools will open 2 hours late

Time to be Thankful

Since I'm stuck at work on "Thanksgiving Eve" with very few others who are not already traveling today - I thought I should take a moment to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving now. Jon and I fly out tomorrow morning for Michigan, and I will most likely not be online again until we return to DC on Saturday. I know, whatever will I do with myself with out FB and g-chat in my life right? haha So this is my chance to wish a happy start to their holidays and I hope that everyone has a wonderful day tomorrow with family and friends!
There is no doubt that it was been an extremely hard, stressful, challenging year for me. This does not make me any less thankful for the wonderful things that I do have, still have or have come to me in the last 365 days.

• I am thankful that I had the strength to walk into Lucky and express my reasoning for knowing that it was time to move on. This was very difficult for me to do, God knows I cried. And although I miss it just about daily, there are many things that I do not miss and many reasons that I have become a better person without the "retail lifestyle". And yes, I do miss more than my discount :-)
• I am very thankful for finding such a wonderful job. I really do love it here, I have a great boss, great co-workers and have made some great friends in the 7 months since I started. I went through a pretty rough batch of not being thankful for my job in early '08. It was a time where I very much regretted giving up my position at Lucky. I now have a hard time thinking about things being any different than they are now. I love having my weekends off (you could even say I'm thankful for them! hehe).
• Most of you know how hard it has been for me to have Grannie dealing with so much illness this past year - since February really. I am thankful that her surgery was a success and that they were finally able to pinpoint what the problem had been all this time and fix it. I am so very thankful that after 11 days in the hospital, 3 of them in ICU, she has been moved to Greenhurst rehabilitation facility for a 20 day rehab program! Apparently her insurance will pay for her to be there for 20 days though my mom don't fully foresee her needing that much time there. Obviously she is still weak and healing but my mom said that when she can move around without all the wires and with shoes on, she just takes off. No surprise really considering what a strong willed women she is. I am thankful for her recovery and I look forward to spending our birthdays and the Christmas season together!
• I am thankful for my friends and family. My parents who put up with me and all my "only child" characteristics that haven't worn off even as I approach my 25th year. They support me in many ways and I wish it was easier to get home more often. To my friends, both old and new - thank you for sticking by me through both the good and bad parts of my year and accepting me for who I am. I know that I am not always the best friend I could be to you. I wish I could say that it will be better in 2009, but I won't make a promise that I'm not sure I can keep. I will try my best though to at least be a better friend. You all are to me, so you deserve at least that much from me in return. I love you all!
  
• I am thankful for getting to spend and share another year of my life with Jonathan. Through the good and bad times, we have prevailed. He pushes me to be a better person that I was a month a ago, a year ago, 4 years ago and on. I am thankful that he cares about me enough to see the potential that I don't let myself see. So thank you Jon, it is appreciated more than I always let on. I love you.

Alright, I've decided that this post has become just a little too sappy. I'm done so please stop rolling your eyes at me :-) Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!!

Believing

I have spent every morning for about the past week now, waiting for mom to call me in the early afternoon with an update on Grannie's status - this of course has become even more important to me since her surgery last Thursday. I always want to know how she is doing and whether it's good, better, the same or worse than the night before. The only pain medication that she has right now is something that she has to give to herself - some little button that I'm assuming it attached to a cord that triggers the release of morphine into her system via iv. She had this in Roswell as well according to my mom, but of course, only being 4 at the time, I don't remember this. It seems that on Friday and Saturday she was trying to use it as much as she could and still in great pain that was bringing her to tears (something that in it's self made me cry upon hearing it). Last night I found out that she is refusing to use it anymore. I know she's still in pain from what my mom has told me and that she is very tired and sleeping a lot but I'm having trouble putting my finger on why she is not giving herself this pain medication - I know that she has always been stubborn about prescription medication (over the summer she wouldn't take a anti-depressant 2x a day that was half the size of a tic tac because she was convinced that she was going to become addicted to them. Part of me also thinks she is being stubborn......
What saddens me the most is knowing that when she is awake when my mom is there (hasn't honestly been too often), she is constantly asking what she ever did to deserve this and why is it happening to her, etc. My mom is responding with telling her how because she has always been so strong and in such good health and active her entire life, that it's a big part of why she is honestly doing very well considering she just had a 5 hour, invasive surgery just 4 1/2 days ago! She was so stable by Saturday that they moved her out of the ICU 2 days earlier then they were expecting after the surgery ended on Thursday early evening. These are truly amazing things considering her age and all that she's been going through since this past February but she doesn't seem to be able to see it.
Grannie is not a very religious person and neither are my mom or I, but Grannie keeps asking why God did this to her. I look at it and I thank God for hearing my prayers and helping her come out of this surgery and recovering at the slow, expected process she is at. No, I do not go to church, but I do pray and I know that God listens to me when I do - I do not believe that I should have to prove this to others every Sunday morning - my relationship is with God, not a congregation. I have prayed each time she has had to go to the ER and been admitted and last Thursday I prayed more than I probably have in years. While watching Season 1 of West Wing over the weekend, I came upon the following quote in an episode and I believe it fits into what Grannie needs to believe during her time of recovery:

You know, you remind me of the man that lived by the river. He heard a radio report that the river was going to rush up and flood the town. And that all the residents should evacuate their homes. But the man said, 'I'm religious. I pray. God loves me. God will save me.' The waters rose up. A guy in a row boat came along and he shouted, 'Hey, hey you! You in there. The town is flooding. Let me take you to safety.' But the man shouted back, 'I'm religious. I pray. God loves me. God will save me.' A helicopter was hovering overhead. And a guy with a megaphone shouted, 'Hey you, you down there. The town is flooding. Let me drop this ladder and I'll take you to safety.' But the man shouted back that he was religious, that he prayed, that God loved him and that God will take him to safety. Well... the man drowned. And standing at the gates of St. Peter, he demanded an audience with God. 'Lord,' he said, 'I'm a religious man, I pray. I thought you loved me. Why did this happen?' God said, 'I sent you a radio report, a helicopter, and a guy in a rowboat. What the hell are you doing here?'

Life was never meant to be easy - life gives you challenges and how you come out of these challenges makes you a strong human being. Grannie had cervical cancer 21 years ago. She has been cancer free ever since, yes she has lymphoma as a result of the surgery but I look back and I am awed at how incredible it is that not only did they get all the cancer but that it never came back in 21 years - think of how much more doctors know about cancer now than they did then and how many people still die every day of cancer or their cancer returns. She has been incredibly blessed in this way.
Now I'm not saying that she has deserved having all that has happened this past year, but I do believe that we all should be incredibly thankful and happy that she is pulling through this.
I want to go home this weekend to see her so that I can let her know how much she is needed, and how blessed I feel that I am that she is still with us. That may should selfish, but I do still need her in my life and she should know this.